I think I have always suffered a level of depression. My father died when I was 6 years old and that was the beginning. I cannot remember anything from my childhood after that point. At its worst not being able to get out of bed and a dread of leaving the house, but almost always thinking I had said the wrong thing or could have handled a situation better. My brain was like a whirling machine that would haunt me in my waking hours.

I partied a lot in my teenage years and twenties. It helped to mask the feelings of inadequacy that were a constant companion. It seemed to help for a while because back then it was all about love and community. I felt I belonged. However, ultimately it led to an increased feeling of self loathing and I ended up retreating even more.

From the outside I was able to make it look like life was OK. Somehow I held down a job and raised 3 kids. This did not help the feeling that I was a fraud. I had been taught from a very young age that working and earning money was all that mattered and that nobody really wanted to know if you were sad. I did use talking therapy on a couple of occasions and this helped but the rumination persisted.

I had just left a corporate job after three and a half years and was feeling really burnt out. I had pains all over my body, thought I needed a hip replacement and was looking for a new direction in my life. A friend suggested I go to a breath workshop to see if this would help me relax. In fact, I decided to go on a 4 day breath retreat. This was the beginning of a life changing experience with the breath.

I could have never foreseen the emotional release that working with the breath activated within me. Initially it was so shocking to tap into how my body was feeling I wanted to run away. I am not sure what drove me back but I am pleased I persevered. Learning to self regulate gave me a choice. I can choose my own narrative. When you are running on adrenaline and stuck in the sympathetic nervous system you loose that choice.

It has been the most wonderful journey. One I could have never foreseen at the start. I am so much happier, healthier, more relaxed and the constant rumination has disappeared. I did not know I needed to release myself from so much fear but it has led me to a feeling of overwhelming love. I am now able to see and feel joy. It is a journey that is still unfolding. Most importantly for me I have learnt to trust myself, I have found a deep connection on a different level and I have started to dream again.